I have seen so many youtube videos on how people changed their lives and how great their life is now. But I only ever see the content once the change has happened and everything in their life worked out. I have never seen someone keep a diary of the change along the way. So I thought I would do just that.
Do I know if my life is going to change? No. I don’t. But I do know that I really need to do something new. I wish I was lying about what I am about to tell you but I am not.
I am 30 years old. I live with my parents, have no job, don’t go to school. Nothing. I would not blame anyone for thinking I am a piece of shit but I have left a part of the story out. I had a psychotic break 3 years ago. And things have been tough since then. Even writing that makes me feel uncomfortable. But long story short, here is what happened.
I was at university, doing well with grades and such. As I was getting towards the end of university my anxiety really started to become a problem. I was anxious for almost every second of every day, but I managed to hand in assignments and finish uni. Once I finished uni the flood gates just opened. My anxiety was now 24/7, I would only sleep for 2 hours at a time.
One day I noticed a red dot on my arm and became OBSESSED with it. I started checking it every hour of every day for more than a week. This is when my mum became concerned. She took me to a GP and he sent me to see a psychologist. While I waited a few weeks to be seen by the psychologist my thoughts started to become very strange. I started to believe that people on the tv were aliens hiding in human form and that I had been cursed and my curse was causing the death and destruction in the world.
When I was finally seen by the psychologist she immediately referred me to a psychiatrist. By the time I went to the doctor I had almost completely stopped speaking. Even to my own family. I was trapped in my own mind. I was too scared to tell my doctor about what was happening because I thought he would tell the police that my curse was responsible for people's deaths. Luckily I have a wise doctor and he managed to get me on some anti-psychotic medication fairly quickly based on what little I was able to verbalize. I was very lucky to have been seen when I was to avoid being hospitalized, or worse, be stuck psychotic for longer than I was.
So fast forward a few years and many medications (I was a zombie for years from the medication and would routinely stop taking it usually causing me to start becoming unwell), I finally think I have found the right one. It has made such a massive difference! But now I feel so far behind my peers that I am ready to make and keep some small but serious changes.
Which brings us back to the changing my life part.
I have decided to make 3 small changes to my life as a start.
- start reading books (all my favorite people are big readers)
- Keep a journal and write down some (small) goals
- Find some volunteer work (a few hours a week)
Nothing major and things that feel doable to me.
Update 25/4/2020: A lot has happened since I wrote this post my goals have become way bigger than what they were in this post. I have come along way since I wrote all this. I have decided that I would like to go to law school. I want to work around mental health but in a legal capacity. It is a huge goal but one that excites me. I don’t know how this will go but I plan to keep writing about it (latest post). If you want to keep up then follow me on medium/twitter (say hi). Thanks.
To wrap up.
One of my biggest fears in doing this is that nobody will connect with anything I am writing about. But I said to myself. It is time to change and changing means doing things differently than you normally would. So I will write and be honest. I can’t promise that my life will get better but I will do my best.
Nagame
