Even though the world crumbled around us, I can’t say that 2020 was a particularly bad year for me in terms of personal growth. Reading back in my diary one of the biggest things that kept bringing me down was not having any purpose in my life. No job, no family. Well this year, if you didn’t know already, I started law school. It has given me a great sense of direction and purpose.
Having struggled with anxiety for most of my adult life I can say my anxiety is at an all-time low. This is due to facing my fears. The only way to conquer anxiety is to face it. I tried running from it for 10 years. It only got so bad I ended up having a psychotic episode. This year has been all about facing fear. I came out of the closet at the ripe old age of 31. I travelled to Europe right before Covid after being afraid of flying for so long. I went to the dentist and doctor after avoiding it for 10 years due to anxiety. I started law school and I told my psychologist some traumatic memories that I fully intended taking to the grave with me. All this fear facing has really pushed me forward in my recovery.
As for the psychosis. I have had my medication adjusted a couple of times this year. I have had a couple of near episodes but got the medication adjusted before it got out of hand. I also wanted to get off Seroquel because I have to sleep so much. I managed to get from 100mg down to 25 and in the next couple of months, I want to get off it completely. Getting off it has been a huge challenge because of the sleep issues but I am doing it very slowly. I am also on 160mg of Latuda and I feel pretty great in terms of psychosis.
Getting my recovery going strong this year is why 2020 has not been such a bad year for me despite it being such a difficult year overall.
Now for my goals for 2021.
- I want to work on reducing the amount of shame I feel surrounding some traumatic memories.
- I want to become more open, as in more open with people around me and people in my life. I chronically under share my life and dreams with the people around me.
- I want to create a dating profile on the apps. I am ready to start dating.
- I want to volunteer at a community law centre.
- I want to work hard in law school and do my best
- I want to keep training jiu-jitsu
- I don't want to hide my flaws
- I want to stay writing about mental health
- I want to read as much as I can
- I want to journal every day
- I want to lose 10kg (medication can make you put on a lot of weight).
I wanted to have some travel goals but that doesn’t seem realistic for a little while so I will work on myself while we are in the age of corona.
Anyway, if you made it this far thanks for reading. Comment some of your goals for 2021.