Hi all,
As I said in my previous post I have been going to AA meetings. Everyone there was super supportive and kind to me. As I sat in a meeting last Saturday and listened to everyone's stories I realised that fortunately, I am not an alcoholic. The fact just slowly dawned on me over the course of the meeting. I heard the same stories over and over again. “One drink is too many one thousand is not enough”. “Once I picked up a drink I couldn’t predict my behaviour”. That is just not me. I was drinking too much but I don’t think the disease of alcoholism runs through my veins.
After being sober for 55 days since being in the psychiatric hospital, I picked up my first drink. A red wine with lots of awards on the label. I sipped it while watching TV and this immense anxiety came over me. What if I really am an alcoholic and this drink triggers me into a spiral of death and destruction. I tried some internal positive self talk to calm my nerves but it didn’t work. I continued to sip the glass slowly constantly asking myself. Am I controlling my behaviour now? What about now? Is this going to lead to me saying just one more? Needless to say, my first drink back was not the perfect oasis I had been dreaming about. It was an experience wrought with anxiety.
I am glad to report after all that I only had one small glass and I am not going to drink again for at least another week. It is the first step in rebuilding a healthy relationship with alcohol. If I go out for dinner I want to be able to have a couple of drinks without it ruining my life. Alcohol needs to be a treat, not a daily indulgence. Hopefully, I am not a delusional alcoholic that's kidding themselves into having a drink. But the only way I can test that theory is to drink and see what happens.
In other news, I am stable on my medication since leaving the hospital and I am not having any breakthrough psychotic symptoms. My mood has been all over the place but I think that has to do with self-doubt rather than medication. I get into these funks where I think all my efforts to change my life are a waste of time and I am going to be on disability for the rest of my life and not able to work, have friendships or relationships. It is a battle that goes on in my head daily. I need to work on my self-talk and just make tiny changes every day and have faith that they will eventually lead to big changes. The Japanese art of “Kaizen” or continuous improvement. It is a philosophy that sees improvement as a gradual and methodical process.
Other than that things are chugging along ok. I am writing, getting my law school assessments done and getting to jiu-jitsu and couple of times a week. I am also getting to all my mental health appointments.
Hope you are all doing well and don’t be shy to drop me a line,
Nagame.
I will be posting regularly about changing my life, my journey from a socially isolated wreck to a functioning human being. If you want to track my progress follow me on Medium, Instagram and Join my newsletter.
